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Dr. Ramon Resa on Pediatrics and Bullying
 There’s an article in the New York Times that’s gotten a lot of attention recently. It’s about some new recommendations that the American Association of Pediatricians (AAP) is putting out about how we as pediatricians can help parents and schools deal with student bullying.
I know from personal experience and from my medical practice that this is a major problem, and not one that’s easy to solve.
I still remember one of my first classes as a high-school freshman where I had to sit in front of a big Anglo football player. He thought nothing of sticking his feet under my chair as far as he could and tapping on my desk. And if I turned around, he would sneer at me. Sometimes he would even pound on my head like a drum to humiliate me in front of his buddies. Even the girls looked down on me. I knew they thought I was no more than a short, skinny, impoverished Mexican kid. I couldn’t wait for that class to end.
But the bullying didn’t stop with the Anglo guys. Even the members of my own race bullied me. There was a group of “cool guys” who used to lean against the wall in the hallway. Their sole purpose was to taunt those of us who wanted to really try to learn. One day, my new jacket disappeared from my locker. I’d spent the whole summer working, and this was the only new thing I’d bought for the new school year. The next day I found out who had stolen it. When I walked by the “wall,” one of the guys was wearing it. He just lounged there and dared me to do something about it. I did – I wore my old jacket.
Those were some of my personal experiences, but I’ve often seen patients, mostly boys, come in to get physical injuries treated. When I asked one what had happened, he calmly said, “I finally stood up to the guy who’s been making my life miserable all year.” But after school, the bully and his buddies beat him up.
I asked him, “Have you reported him to your school officials, or your parents?”
He shrugged and said, “Nothing happened. Our principal suspended him for a couple of days, but when he came back, things were even worse. And all my parents said was, ‘Deal with it.’”
I understood his dilemma, because in some communities, speaking to your parents or school officials will resolve the problem – but in others it’ll get you shot or beaten.
So because of my personal experience and what I see in my practice, I’m very interested in the AAP’s recommendations, especially the two that talk about:
* What bystanders and classmates can do, and
* The difference that parents’ involvement can make.
The AAP recommends one obvious solution to bullying – for bystanders to come to the aid of victims. The Times article said that it’s powerful for students to realize that the bully, not the victim, is the problem, and that they can protect the victim.
Yes, there’s safety in numbers. But I think students (and the rest of us) can learn another important lesson – that when a group takes a stand as a united front, we can realize that by working together, almost any problem becomes less of an issue. When we as a society start taking responsibility for our concerns, step in, and become involved, we can help solve this crisis, and others.
Along these lines, when my son Joshua entered public high school, I wasn’t concerned about how concerned about how he’d do academically. I worried about how he was going to deal with being bullied. Not only was he slender, half-white and half-Mexican, and studious-looking, he also came from an affluent, educated family environment. Most of his classmates were from poor or single-parent households. I knew what kind of resentment he’d face. After all, I’d been bullied too.
So at one point I asked him how he coped. His answer was simple. “Dad,” he said, “I always have a group of friends with me and we hang out together. We never draw attention to ourselves, but we don’t pretend to be wallflowers, either.”
In other words, he and his friends had spontaneously figured out that AAP recommendation: Don’t become bystanders and let the bullies victimize you!
But the role of parents is equally important.
Parents need to have a relationship with their kids by spending quality time with them from day one. Have breakfast together as often as possible. Read a bedtime story together. Play a simple game of hide-and-seek…All of these are quality time in my opinion.
These kinds of activities, along with plenty of praise, will instill positive self-esteem and confidence in your children. These two qualities are crucial for any child.
Parents who connect with and relate to their children from infancy are less likely to see them bullied or become bullies.
When it comes to bullies, I believe they’re looking for attention. They either don’t get proper attention at home, or if they do, it’s negative, which includes physical or emotional abuse. What can they do but model the behavior they’ve been exposed to? They don’t know anything else, so they pick on someone who can’t retaliate. Children who have a relationship with one or both parents and are given a sense of self-worth are much less likely to become bullies.
Similarly, kids are less likely to become targets of bullying if their parents teach them to be self-assured and to carry themselves with confidence, in such a way that bullies will automatically know they won’t stand for being bullied. Parents or trusted family members can play a huge role in helping youngsters from falling victim to this disturbing and dangerous problem.
It’s sad that that the APP needs to put out guidelines on this issue, but bullying falls is an issue we all need to become involved in, the medical community and our society as a whole.
As parents, teachers, and doctors, I’d like to see us work together so we can get this problem under control. I have no doubt that we will if we all embrace the APP’s recommendations and resolve to do our part.
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